Oh the guilt!



You would think that after nearly three weeks of owning a new human that I might’ve gotten used to the idea that I’m now a mum. Nah uh, no way, I’m still trying to get my head around the idea that this very tiny, very cute, very demanding little cub is my baby.


It’s taken a while to find the time to write because looking after a baby is hard work. I knew it would be – goodness knows enough people warned me – but knowing something will be hard doesn’t actually make it any easier.


Same goes with labour by the way, I knew it would be painful, but realism didn’t make an ounce of difference in that delivery suite when those contractions kicked in one after another after another. Epidural? Ah yes please.


I am in awe of women who have delivered babies without pain relief, if you are amongst their number then lady, you are my hero. I bow at your feet. In my case it was a good thing I was such a wuss and opted for an epidural, because when they realised my little boy was in major distress and had to be delivered in the next twenty minutes, the fact I had already had an epidural meant they could just top it up for the emergency caesarean. If I hadn’t already been a bit numb they wouldn’t have had time and that would’ve led to a general anaesthic which would’ve sucked for me, baby and Joel. This is how I make myself feel better about not being all Mother Earth and pain-relief-free on it. Turns out I couldn’t Just Say No to drugs in the end, and as a result both Joel and I got to see our baby as soon as he was born – if I’d been under general, that wouldn’t have happened.


There’s a lot of guilt associated with this having a baby lark. I went into birth with an open mind, because I didn’t want to get my heart set on a ‘birth plan’ only for that plan to be shattered, leaving me all forlorn that my precious little bundle didn’t arrive exactly the way that I had in mind. Despite that, I really didn’t think I’d end up having a caesarean, and even though it was our only option at the time I still feel a little disappointed that I wasn’t able to deliver Baby Vic the ‘traditional’ way. I still can’t bring myself to say I “gave birth” because I don’t feel that I did. I’m sure the baby doesn’t give a hoot that he came out through the sunroof rather than, well, you know, so it’s just my own insecurities at play. Damn hormones.


Perhaps we’ll talk about other guilt-laden controversial topics like dummies, bottles and wet wipes another day because I figure you’re probably more keen to see cute photos of the baby – and I don’t blame you. I mean, aside from the fact I’m totally biased, I really do think that Joel and I managed to produce one heck of an adorable kid…








15 thoughts on “Oh the guilt!

  1. Aww so so cute. – Love the carseat pic. The rest of the stuff I hear ya no words of wisdom however. But the disapointment/guilt/birth ideals fade as time goes on.. and I honestly believe I didn’t feel those things the 2nd time round.

    P.s Looking good Miss Yee

  2. Jane that guilt you feel is probably grief. I had to have a caesarean because Axel was breech and we only discovered that when he was already two days overdue.
    He was born just over three months ago and I have yet to say “I gave birth” because I still feel that I didn’t. I carried him for nine months and then he was surgically removed.
    I have grieved for my birth experience. I had planned for a natural, no pain relief, hypnobirth type experience, but these babies had other ideas!
    Loving your photos and glad you are all well.

  3. The bits about birthing, pain and epidural? *Shudder
    When my time comes (if it ever!), it’s going to be drugs all the way. I’ve a low threshold for pain and certainly don’t want to have memories of THAT kind of pain associated with the birth of my child. I’m chicken. And I’m happy with that label.
    The photos? Baby Vic is, as you say, one heck of an adorable kid! Particularly like the one with him strapped into his carrier. He’s so tiny that the clasp covers almost his entire body. Too cute! Congrats. :-))

  4. oh Jane, your birth experience sounds like a carbon copy of mine – Dali had to be “surgically removed” when it was discovered that he was trying to get out forehead first and could not be turned, even by Australasia’s specialist in turning babies. I know I can’t really help you with your feelings about the experience, everyone deals with it differently, but if it helps any, I always tried to focus on the most important point: I had a healthy beautiful baby, and I nearly didn’t. I was so lucky, I was in a hospital with capable experts on hand who helped me give birth to my son. In the greater scheme of things, my loss of a gentle “natural” water birth experience fades into the background 🙂 I hope you’re healing up well, getting rest where you can and taking painkillers if you need them – be kind to yourself!

  5. Unfortunately, guilt is one of the key aspects of parenthood. You’ll learn to work around it 🙂 And yes, you guys produced a GORGEOUS baby: even if he had come out on a unicycle while juggling pelicans.

  6. I hear you on the birth and you are entirely allowed to feel disappointed. Heck I am still really disappointed about mine 15months on. And I know you can focus on your healthy baby and feel lucky, because we truly are, but that doesn’t take away the fact that you missed out on the birth most of us hope to have and a defining experience for many mothers. If its any consolation it does get better, you own it more with time and if you can’t say you gave birth yet start by using the phrase when Vic was born. I found that helped me to stop telling people I’d just met that I’d had a section (which then avoided all the why? Oh… Insert unsolicited advice about VBACs) .

    You totally don’t get how hard it’s actually going to be eh? Well I didn’t anyway! I remember feeling realy shell shocked for the first few weeks.

    Oh and he is beautiful, I love the first pic – you look amazing and so happy.

  7. Your beautiful boy is the loveliest wee human I have seen in a long time. Have to echo what Brian Frances said about unicyle and pelicans, you can plan all you want but he is the one who decides when he is coming to stay and the how is not plan-able either
    My son was born in a scenario too, yes thank god for epidural and specialist. Shell shocked is a good description. But I would never ever be without him doting mother that I still am after all these years

    I just love the photos of Vic, al of them and especially the one of you and him, you are glowing! Tedddy is staunchly on guard….or is it a monkey?

  8. My eldest was an emergency sunroof too. But 2 years later I had a normal delivery of my 2nd son. Those feelings of guilt do fade away, promise 🙂 it just takes time.

    We all feel guilty about everything to do with our babies/children. It’s only natural. Try not to worry yourself, we all o the best we can, and your natural instincts are right. You two are Vic’s parents, you know best.

  9. Cute! Must admit, I’m more one for puppies and kittens than human babies, but yours looks lovely 🙂

    I’ve never got this whole ‘birth plan’ thing. I’ve heard people talk about it, but it seems like there are so many variables on the day that can’t be planned, it’s like it sets you up for disappointment. Really, the only thing that matters is that you both come out of it happy and healthy.

    Not sure about epidurals though, I think I’d take the contractions over a needle in my back.

    1. Many a person has says that until the contractions kick in and they really know what they are comparing!

  10. I believe a lot of people treat a “birth plan” as a set of instructions for how their child is going to be born.
    To me a birth plan was a set of expectations of the outcomes for each concievable scenario (incuding c-sections). My wife and I went through the likely scenarios (i.e. what date induction becomes necessary, options on pain relief if an epidural was too risky because of the blood thinners, caesarians under local or general, etc) and while we didn’t have a lot of control over those situations at least we knew what should be happening and what our duties would be.
    However once the words “emergency caeserian” are uttered then you (as a parent) have zero control over the birth.
    Now excuse me for being blunt but the simple fact is that Victor would have died if they went through a vaginal delivery and quite possibly so would you. Sorry if that was harsh but it is just that simple.

    1. I get the feeling you think that this is helpful. It really isn’t – instead it is dismissive. That you think women who have had an emergency section don’t understand the alternative and that this is the reason for their disappointment surrounding their birth experience is frankly insulting.

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